Tis Fall: A time for reflection, change, and alcohol abuse.

my life is changing. thank you october for always making sure my life gets interesting. i seriously love october and that tonight will be a harvest moon. makes me want to get all goddessy and light candles, becoming the new season.

and speaking of seasons, one automatically, or one afflicted with my kind of thinking, goes to triathlon season. ushering out the old, transitioning into the future new.

this time in october, two years ago, marked one of the happiest times of my life. i was in kona, hawaii, an observer of the most exciting sports event, ironman world championships. i with with friends, my coach, and my finance'. we got engaged a day or so before the race which ended being a good idea. the engagement was later decided to be a not good idea and we parted ways.

october last year marked the passing of my dear rosco dog as well as the wedding that would never be. it was a sad month but a time of change and ultimately, all change is good. i was also, in a relatively new town with newer friends, in a job that's newness was wearing off and wearing me down. it also marked the final "binge" before i hunkered down to the hardest training season to date.

this october, i am in percolation.

1. To cause to pass through a porous substance or small holes; filter.

2. To pass or ooze through.

3. To make coffee.

v.intr.

1. To drain or seep through a porous material or filter.

2. To become lively or active.

3. To spread slowly or gradually.

i have been working on accepting what is. suffering comes from our refusal to except reality and the thoughts that argue and won't let go. in embracing my health, the callous nature of my romantic intent and interests, my financial and work life choices. i am passing through the reality of my limitations, its benefits, and i most certainly, am making coffee again. hello dear brew. i've missed you. 

health: no diagnosis and likely never will be. just thank god it's not cancer. there's nothing like a health crisis to humble you and get oriented to what's real and what's at risk. bottom line, something happened which resulted in knocking out my immune system and entire endocrine system. after 5 months of poking and prodding and doctors visits and medication i am finally experiencing some relief. but to my guru credit, not before i embraced my body and health reality. it must have been the peaceful surrender that ushered in the shifts of energy. and for the those amused tri geeks, i've got enough t-rone medication for a deficient male but it's still not enough and i certainly wouldn't set off any drug testing alarms. i'm a wo, not yet a wo-man.

it's the resistance that provokes and prolongs suffering. so here's my reality.

love: there is power in not caring. really you should try it... there's a high in knowing no one can possess you and therefore risk harming, compromising, losing, negotiating your heart and mind. they're not for sale and it will take a mighty proposition to consider caring again. this love clause however, does not apply to friends and family. there's always enough and more love from where it came from.

jobby job: i was existing in a situation that was toxic to many aspects of my well-being. can't tell you how many people have told me unprovoked, how much younger and happier i look. for 15 months, it's as if the very water i was drinking for nourishment was actually poisoning me, not because it meant to or was "bad", just because that was the wrong batch for me! i've started a new and exciting job, much more suited to my personality. i look forward to seeing how it and i unfold.

triathlon: not the season i wanted but definitely the season i had. i can appreciate however that all that hard work has gone into the bank of training history, stored in the legs and spirit. in reflection of what was for a different and better tomorrow, here are 5 questions taken from Joe Friel.

1. What was the high point of your season? Why does this stand out for you? Was it what you thought it would be at the start of the season?

there was no point, only a collection of beautiful moments. it amuses me that my mind's photo album only has visions during training and with people. i always thought i trained to race and push myself but now i see that i do it because...

a) Nature: i love nature and being in gets me high

b) Spiritual Moments: i love living before and as the sun comes up, when the world is still and quiet

c) Friends and Family: they make my life (creating the 12 days of Cmas: Tri Version, while shouting "taint" at the tops of our lungs into a Malibu Canyon, climbing for over an hour with 2 of the most lovely women you've ever known... now that's a high point!).

and yes- this is a surprise. i love training as much as i do racing. and those special solo moments and particular people infuse all the life-joy there is. here i thought i did it because the hardware and PR's soothed my ego. and yes- i thought this season would be my best yet, marked by my hard work and steely determination. i was determined alright, and drove this party train right into the ground because i thought that's what success took.

2. What was your greatest disappointment? Why did this happen? Is there anything you could have done to have avoided it?

hmmm, let's see. let's start with thinking i'd have the best season of my life but instead, not being able to finish a race for the first time ever. 8 months of single focused preparation for a most emotionally painful ironman to date. 

digging deeper-getting so sick i couldn't work or function in life? my bed was my only reprive and even then resting made me exhausted. not being able to think or play. i have NEVER turned down fun but i had no choice.

why DID it happen? because in pursuit to please my ego and those important to me, i didn't listen to my body. then again, i thought it was normal ironman fatigue so quite possibly, this is just something i needed to go through to learn.

in the future: *learn to accept who i am and where i am athletically (i can only be what i am at that very moment) *surround myself with mentors who believe in me and teach me to believe in myself and heed to my body's warnings *take lots of naps *don't train so much *infuse more pleasure (i.e., be with people) while training *keep getting labs to make sure i stay healthy.

3. Looking back, do you think you trained as wisely and as hard as you could have trained?

i did the best i could with the experience, knowledge and guidance i had at the time. looking back, i will be doing it differently. 

effort= A+++ (comment: dammit if i didn't give 120%)

expectations= D (comment: too hard on myself. force my body and success too much)

output= C- (comment: my body did the best it could. sadly, not what my expectations and hopes requested)

4. What is the one thing you most need to work on for next season in order to perform better?

rest. pleasure. training time with friends. acceptance. belief in myself. trusting my body's wisdom. mentors that inspire me. watch for fat- if i'm training and dieting like a freak but putting ON weight, i need to immediately take a break/nap/indulge/de-stress/go on a date/have sex/chillax. if i'm training hard but i seem to be getting worse and worse results- stop immediately. follow the de-fat plan.

5. What would you most like to accomplish next season? Is it a good stretch and yet within your reach if you do things right?

ok, here's the tricky part. race goals i'd like to someday accomplish if possible:

a) run a 5k with a 6-ish pace

b) run a half-mary in the 1:30's and eventually hit a sub 1:30

c) run a mary at or sub 3:30

d) do boston

e) go sub-5 at a half-ironman

f) swim a sub 30 minute half-iron swim again to debunk "it was a fluke"

g) bike a half-iron in the 2:30's

h) go sub 11 on a hilly ironman

i) go sub 10:30 on a flat ironman

j) qualify and complete kona

these goals are not lofty and are well within my reach. that is if life, health, my body agree. otherwise, my overarching goals are to live well. laugh often. throw lots of parties. drink much. eat delicious food. have amazing sex. become my own boss and support myself comfortably. dance like a freak. be free of personal judgment and critical evaluation. rid my life of people who don't support any of the above. hold babies. snuggle in comfortable bedding. live in visually decent environments. play at the beach often. give and get lots of hugs. invest in more clothes that support my current more voluptuous frame and where them with j-lo pride and glamour. take lots of pictures. starting now...