Crusin for a Bruisin

i have a thing for costumes. i played "dress up" as a kid which was stocked full of vintage goodness. little did my parents know their golden embroidered grandma special dress was making deep impressions in my soul. the sunday best dress also came equip with white lace gloves with buttons and a fur hat.

and that was only ONE outfit. never mind the nights of arabia get-up i had going on. i was the costume queen of the block and more likely, of the entire county.

well it stuck.

so now everyday i like to express myself through fashionista ways and other days, i wanna go alllll out. i throw parties just so i can come up with another costume and fall in love with everyone else's costume too.

so you wanna know wbat i did the other day? i went online shopping at yandy.com. i was cruising for a bruising when i decided to "just see" how much all the costume i wanted actually cost. that store is like crack to a costume addict. although i have yet to make the purchase or any variation there of, here's a sampling of my madness.

and by the way, i already deleted about 5 other items. i didn't like the way $1000 looked on payment due section.

YANDY COSTUME BENDER, May 2010

Polka Dot Petticoat SKU: LA-83452 White / One Size Fits Most Item Price: $19.95

$19.95

Masquerade Mask SKU: LA-2096 Pink / One Size Fits Most Item Price: $5.95

$5.95

Material Girl Skirt SKU: ST-9274 Black / One Size Fits Most Item Price: $13.95

$13.95

Lurex Leggings SKU: LA-13544 Black/Silver / One Size Fits Most Item Price: $9.95

$9.95

Nippies Superstar Pasties SKU: B6-SUPERSTAR-STAR Gold/Chestnut / B Item Price: $14.95

$14.95

Cat Woman Costume SKU: RM-1237 Black / Medium/Large Item Price: $64.95

$64.95

Pom Pom Faux Fur Leg Warmers SKU: JV-8021 White/Gold / One Size Fits Most Item Price: $39.95

$39.95

Pom Pom Faux Fur Hood SKU: JV-8018 White/Gold / One Size Fits Most Item Price: $39.95

$39.95

Striped Skirt & Lace Top Set SKU: JV-7020 White/Silver / Medium/Large Item Price: $69.95

$69.95

Super Sexy Rainbow Brite Costume SKU: LA-53014 Royal Blue/White/Rainbow / Medium/Large Item Price: $59.95

$59.95

Green Fairy Costume SKU: DG-5886 Medium Item Price: $49.95

$49.95

Japanese Doll SKU: EM-9378 Black/Red / Small/Medium Item Price: $33.95

$33.95

Groovy Fringe Mohair Legwarmers SKU: JV-562 Light Brown/White / One Size Fits Most Item Price: $44.95

$44.95

Groovy Woodstock Baby Costume SKU: JV-550 Brown / Medium/Large Item Price: $68.95

$68.95

Promotional code summer applied.
(Works on non-clearance items) 

Select your Shipping Method (US)  FREE Flat Rate Shipping. Free over $70. 2 to 5 Business Days (UPS/USPS)   UPS Ground1 to 5 Business Days depending on your zip code. Not Available for PO Box or APO.   USPS Priority - USPS Priority 2-3 Days (Average) for Most Areas.   UPS 3 Day - 3 Business Days - Continental US excludes Alaska & Hawaii. Not Available for PO Box or APO.   UPS 2 Day - 2 Business Days - Continental US excludes Alaska & Hawaii. Not Available for PO Box or APO.   Overnight Express - 1 Business Day  Estimated Delivery Select your method first All orders received by 3:30PM PST / 6:30PM EST will ship on the same day Shipping to a different country? Albania Algeria  Angola  Antigua and Barbuda  Argentina  Armenia  Aruba  Australia  Austria  Azerbaijan  Bahamas  Bahrain  Bangladesh  Barbados  Belarus  Belgium  Belize  Benin  Bermuda  Bolivia  Bosnia and Herzegovina  Botswana  Brunei  Bulgaria  Burkina Faso  Cambodia  Cameroon  Canada  Cape Verde  Chile  Colombia  Costa Rica  Croatia  Cyprus  Czech Republic  Denmark  Dominican Republic  Ecuador  El Salvador  Equatorial Guinea  Estonia  Faroe Islands  Fiji  Finland  France  Gabon  Georgia  Germany  Ghana  Gibraltar  Greece  Greenland  Guam  Guatemala  Haiti  Honduras  Hong Kong  Hungary  Iceland  India  Indonesia  Ireland  Israel  Italy  Jamaica  Japan  Jordan  Kazakhstan  Kenya  Kuwait  Laos  Latvia  Lebanon  Liechtenstein  Lithuania  Luxembourg  Macedonia  Malaysia  Maldives  Mali  Malta  Mauritius  Mexico  Moldova  Monaco  Morocco  Mozambique  Namibia  Nepal  Netherlands Antilles  Netherlands  New Zealand  Nicaragua  Nigeria  Norway  Oman  Pakistan  Panama  Paraguay  Peru  Philippines  Poland  Portugal  Puerto Rico  Qatar  Romania  Russia  Rwanda  San Marino  Saudi Arabia  Senegal  Serbia and Montenegro  Seychelles  Singapore  Slovakia  Slovenia  South Africa  Spain  Sri Lanka  Sweden  Switzerland  Taiwan  Tajikistan  Tanzania  Thailand  Togo  Trinidad and Tobago  Tunisia  Turkey  Turkmenistan  Uganda  Ukraine  United Arab Emirates  United Kingdom  United States Uruguay  Uzbekistan  Vatican City  Venezuela  Vietnam  Virgin Islands (US)  Yemen  Zambia  Zimbabwe

Subtotal: $537.30

Arising from the ashes

the name of this blog has changed. as has my life.

completely.

i once was an overachiever. i was a young doctor with lots of ladder-rungs to climb. i also was an aspiring athlete. while i had mild talent, i needed more training to race like the kind of athlete i wanted to be. i was an overachiever;  i also wanted to be better than i ever was, at that very moment; "it" was never enough.

i then was a seriously overtrained athlete and a very ill woman that had to sit 2 weeks, silently and alone on a potential leukemia diagnosis. then it wasn't that but no one knew what was "wrong with me." and i got that question ALL THE TIME. "so did they find out what's wrong with you?" when you feel like shit and don't have answers or any leads, that question, although well-intentioned, is a constant reminder you're lost at sea and there are no hopes of rescue.

the next chapter would be described as passionately clinging onto what i once thought was important,  MY PREVIOUS LIFE (no small thing to completely give up and change), resisting my illness, and then falling into acceptance with brief moments of mindful peace. resist, accept, accepppppt,  RESIST! FIGHT! give up exhausted. accept. repeat.

until finally, i radically changed my life. and as it turned out, for the better. thank fucking god! life can be so hard and painful that we need, I NEEDED, a rainbow at the end of that, blow the shingles off your roof and in fact, rip up the foundation tornado.

i have since moved to one of the most spirit-stirring beautiful places in the US, fallen completely in love with one of the most amazing men i've ever met, and am blissfully surrounded by my loving, supportive and ridiculously fun family. i haven't worked for the past 4 months. and if you're jealous, blow the wheels off your life and then talk to me about "i wish I COULD take that kind of time off." this was and still is completely neccesary for my recovery. i'm also insanely grateful that i've created this opportunity and have the support to heal. when people ask me "what do you do?" i now tell them, "i do me."

yes, i'm completely investing in me. i'm getting healthier, wiser and more prepared. i won't always be on spiritual vacation but when i start working again, all the books and writing and reflecting i've been doing will absolutely pay off. every prophet spent their "time in the desert", soul searching and getting prepared to spread their message. and while i'm not at all delusional about being a prophet or spiritual leader, i have a message to share about healing and health. and i'm looking forward to the day when i'm ready to share that message and journey.

so yes folks, the blog is back and this phoenix is arising. only this time, i'm back with a brand new addition. i'm no longer a triathlete goddess but the girl, living from one golden, blissful moment to the next... and revealing in them when i find them.

yang burnout and the wisdom of surrender

The Wisdom of Surrender Most of us pride ourselves on our self-sufficiency. We like to be responsible for taking care of ourselves and pulling our own weight in the world. This is why it can be so challenging when we find ourselves in a situation in which we have to rely on someone else. This can happen as the result of an illness or an injury, or even in the case of a positive change. At times like these, it is essential that we let go of our feeling that we should be able to do it all by ourselves and accept the help of others. The first step is accepting the situation fully as it is. Too often we make things worse either by trying to do more than we should or by lapsing into feelings of uselessness. In both cases we run the risk of actually prolonging our dependency. In addition, we miss a valuable opportunity to practice acceptance and humility. The ego resists what is, so when we move into acceptance we move into the deeper realm of the soul.  In needing others and allowing them to help us, we experience the full realization that we are not on our own in the world. While this may bring up feelings of vulnerability, a deep feeling of gratitude may also emerge as we open to the experience of being helped. This realization can enable us to be wiser in our service of others when we are called upon to help. It takes wisdom and strength to surrender to our own helplessness and to accept that we, just like every other human being, have limitations. The gifts of surrender are numerous. We discover humility, gratitude, and a deepening understanding of the human experience that enables us to be that much more compassionate and surrendered in the world.

the life of a cat

after eight months of wrestling with health issues, i've gotten pretty adjusted to this new way of living. i'm making lemonade with the lemons and embracing my new status of....

the life of a cat!


*spend as much time as possible in bed
*if you do chores, take breaks (you need another episode of jersey shore in order to complete the task)
*sleep anywhere from 9-14 hours a night (yes, you read that correctly)
*search for new places and ways to lay, rest, yawn, stretch
*if you have the opportunity to sunbathe, immediately stop what you're doing and soak in that sun
*check for bed sores (which used to be saddle sores)
*admire the resiliency of your ass (truly amazing that it hasn't expanded or gone flat)





i recently lost my job as the program i was running closed down. boo! for income but yay! for rest. i'm subletting my anti-depressant (aka: my beach cottage)....





and heading north to the home of hugs and laughter (aka: my family's house in santa cruz).
while at da cruz, these are my goals:

Casa de Home
*play lots of cards
*drink lots of tea
*get hugs and massages like they're going out of style
*exchange electrons (aka: cute boy action. i'm just sayin...)
*learn how to mountain bike and do it often
*inhale eucalyptus
*introduce Goldie to the world and the ways of the road

Meet Goldie, my rehabbed road bike. Ain't she a beut? 


here's to sunbathing, yawning, and stretching. thanks to Roxy for showing me how it's done...

Don't let your Dreams be your Dreams

"Jack Johnson- Dreams Be Dreams"

And all this livings so much harder than it seems
But girl don't let your dreams be dreams

You know this livings not so hard as it seems

Don't let your dreams dreams

Your dreams your dreams be dreams

It was a cold, cold bitter day in January . One thing you'll never hear me say is SoCal sucks. Perfect day for a Bestie to visit. 





We drank coffee in the sun overlooking the ocean. We were musing all things past, present, and future. One of the beauties to follow-up our conversation about amazing sex was... "I've decided no sex is better than bad sex... It's not like pizza." I snorted coffee through my nose. 

(note: this does not apply to anyone in particular. promise. you're all good. your man-skills are intact.) 

She was able to get me out of bed as it was a rough day fatigue wise. I'm pretty sure this mini-relapse was the come down off of the buzz from losing my job. Although I feel I should be freaking out, I'm not. I'm actually relieved and excited. And ready for a vacation. Starting today...

I'm of the mindset that I need a spiritual retreat. I've sublet my place and am free for 6 weeks. I'll be looking into my very own "Eat, Pray, Love" journey. I'm well on my way as I've already tackled the "Eat" part.

I'm open to where the door opens and I'll be in the place to learn that which I'm ready for. Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Harbon in Napa Valley and Mark Allen's thing in Santa Cruz will be on my search list. All I know is that my body, mind, and soul are craving rest, relaxation, meditation, massage, clean air and nature. It's time to heal. Goddess said so.

Kwan Yin- The Compassionate Rebel

She was a Christmas gift. I relate a lot to this goddess: born of the lotus, a healer, of deep compassion, the need for yin, balance, simplicity, mindfulness. Her arrival was perfect timing.

Kwan Yin is known by many names. She is the Divine Mother energy also known as a Bodhisattva (a being of enlightenment) and the Goddess of Mercy and Compassion. Kwan Yin teaches us to live simply and mindfully, taking good care of our bodies and our thoughts as well as our souls. In Sanskrit, her name is Padma-pâni, or "Born of the Lotus." Quan Yin is regarded by the Chinese as the goddess of mercy, an Indian bodhisattva who chose to remain on earth to bring relief to the suffering rather than enjoy for herself the ecstasies of Nirvana. One of the several stories surrounding Quan Yin is that she was a Buddhist who through great love and sacrifice during life, had earned the right to enter Nirvana after death. However, like Avlokiteshvara, while standing before the gates of Paradise she heard a cry of anguish from the earth below. Turning back to earth, she renounced her reward of bliss eternal but in its place found immortality in the hearts of the suffering. In China she has many names and is also known as "great mercy, great pity; salvation from misery, salvation from woe." This goddess comforts the troubled, the sick, the lost and the unfortunate.

After the Bestie visit and walk on the beach, I accomplished many a thing:
  

*got smog checked so I can register my car in california. yes finally.

*picked up my Ambien for the nights I'm dying for a decent sleep
*listened to a killer mix entitled "Delirium"
*saw members of "The Hogan" family

*ate Pinkberry FroYo and got hit on by a couple o' cute boys

*purchased a crucial piece of my birthday party costume (CAN'T WAIT!!)

*got a one and a half hour massage. oh sweet lord.

*and bought the following essentials:

a) Dog Food for the Rox-a-nator

b) Hot Sauce. Because nothing tastes good without it.

c) Kinoko Gold AHCC mushroom extract. Like crack for my immune system.

In all, it was a great day. And the sunset put the cherry on my sundae. 

Lost in Transition

I love this tri t-shirt saying. You know the people: wandering around, dazed from the swim, looking for something that resembles their bike. These people are "lost in transition."


While I have had quick-ish triathlon transitions, this life one is going a lot slower. Being an athlete has been a major part of my identity for the past 8 years. It has brought me friends, a community, a passion, something to geek out on (numbers, facts, info, gadgets). It also gave me strong muscles, achievements I never thought were possible, and a new sense of humor (nothing's off the table when it comes to triathlete conversations).


I was talking with my uncle over the holiday. "In my mind and heart, I'm still an athlete. My body's not quite there yet." He replied with a chuckle, "Yea me too.... I'm still an athlete in my head also."


He quit running years ago.


Then it hit me... I'm not the person I once was. Does 7 months of no physical activity mean I'm no longer an athlete? Do I need to start saying, "Yes... Once upon a time I did one of those iron-thingys."


At what point does the transition happen? When does a person go from athlete, to wanna-be jock, to jockless?


There are 5 stages of change one goes through before making a change, particularly a big one like giving up smoking, a relationship or one's former identity as an aspiring elite triathlete. 


Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or underaware of their problems. 
Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action. 
Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year. 
Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy. 
Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action. 


Then it hit me. I've been in denial about making a life change with the reality of my health. I have been in "precontemplation" if you will. I thought by January, at the latest, I'd be ready to hit the ground running again. This is not the case. Only now am I starting to realize I need to seriously change my life so that I can get fully healthy again. 


These are the changes that will be required of me to replenish da' adrenals and work through the chronic fatigue/overtraining syndrome.


Health Choices
Quit alcohol. (insert tears)
Quit coffee. (insert wailing sobs)
Go to bed by 10:30pm at the latest (cake. i'm used to it from IM training)
Limit exercise to walking. Anything will put me in the hole again. (eyes watering again)
Eat organic and drink purified water. (costly but whatevs)
Eliminate canned, processed foods. (Buh-Bye Campbells Soup. will miss your salty easy meal in a can).
Focus diet on veggies, fruits, proteins, complex carbs. No sugar. (do it anyway)


Triathlon Choices
Start wrapping my mind around either not racing/doing a really slow half iron at CA 70.3 and WF long
Start to embrace that I can't "race" IM CDA. Either DNS or embrace a long, slow, (fun?) day.
Accept that I may never reach my triathlon potential. 
Accept that I may have to manage CFS for the rest of my life.
Keep reminding myself that if I let go now, the sooner I can return. 
Remember: Just because I'm letting go now doesn't mean I'm letting go forever.
Continue to learn how and when to push and when to back off and rest. (no clue. just know: push).


Spiritual Choices
Start to identify and express myself in other ways (photography, meditation, date)
Be vigilant of my stress levels and immediately work to reduce tension. (deep breath)
Be more assertive and rid my life of any "energy suckers" (situations or people)
Embrace this period in my life in which I must rest and replenish, be gentle and easy, kind and free.


While this health crisis has been life-changing, shaking my identity and beliefs to the core, it hasn't been without purpose. There are no such things as "lost moments." So here's to learning the lessons, embracing the journey, and laughing along the way.

on the last day of my drive from east to west. in the car were 2 dogs, 2 bikes, 2 chairs for my dining table, a large mirror, my mattress topper, a huge duffle of clothes, a new mix, my trusty garmin, beef jerky, and an excited attitude. i embraced the change and will continue to do so while i'm lost in transition.