i live a truly gluttonous life, a life i've always wanted to live. like the characters of eat, pray, love and under a tuscan sky, after a truly disastrous blow up of a life once lived, i too moved, completely changed my way of living, and starting getting my groove back. just like stella.
it's a life that i don't feel guilty about having, well that's mostly true. some days i get off my center and have visions of people gathering around with judgmental pitchforks yelling "get a job. get a life. start your company. study. stop being a sloth. contribute more."
and then... politely (as politely one can bitch slap) i tell that brutal bullying thought to go f*ck itself.
now back to why my life rocks.
well first of all, it rocks because it's a life i created. my design. i did this. allllll mine. i wanted to stop working. i wanted to take a break, rest, be around my family, live in a beautiful place, eat organic locally grown food. I wanted to breath freely and not have a million things i needed to do.
for sure, i was also clear about what i did NOT want to do. i no longer wanted a life that was never good enough; always upping the ante. triathlon became the mirror of what i was starting to believe my life's destiny was: never good enough. i started sinking into that abysmal belief that no matter how hard i tried: denied myself, push myself, fought stronger, fell hard but got up harder... i would still, despite my efforts of blood sweat and tears, fail.
i wasn't always this way. in fact, i was born with obnoxious optimism. and for most of my life, it served me well. believe you can do something and surprisingly, you can and most likely, you will do it well! this blind luck got me to places i never dreamed of reaching. blind because i often had no idea of what i was getting myself into and luck, because for most of my life, things really would turn out quite well~
i went to college. i figured out how to get good grades. i traveled and lived in cool places like guam and hawaii. i became a doctor. i became a triathlete. i did ironmans and brought hardware home frequently from races. i made lots of cool friends and experienced weird things that are now fun to tell stories about such as sky-diving, cutting all my hair off, and surf kayaking 15 foot waves. this list goes on and on.
it periodically amazes me that i have had so many cool experiences and stories to share and relate.
i'm only 35... how did i live THAT MUCH life already?
well in truth, it was because i had created a monster: a life that was never enough. and so it came to be that the very thing that fed and fueled me for many years, came to be the very thing that would destroy me. my inordinate ability to tolerate pain, endure suffering, delaying gratification, put others first, excel at being a type AAA, work hard and train harder, push push push, do, always keep my cool, be on my game, think on my feet, burn the candle at both ends of the stick... all this got me to a life extremely lived by age 35. AND it got me sick.
like the law of attraction, i attracted people into my life that would echo this sentiment: in particular, a coach, a boss who both played a significant role in damaging me and bringing about my decline. it always had to be more. i also attracted experiences that would echo this painful lesson. triathlon had once been something that brought me so much joy and a sense of achievement. it had become something that consistently made me feel not good enough, having not trained or pushed hard enough, been disciplined enough, talented enough. enough. i needed to do more, be more, hurt more. my increasing failure to perform seemed to be an indicator i was doing something wrong, that i wasn't doing enough.
i WAS doing something wrong. i WAS doing too much. in fact, i WASN'T doing little enough.
yes, you read that correctly: i wasn't doing little enough.
(and by the way, when i finally gave up... i gave all the bullshit that makes life unneccesarily complex. i gave up giving a damn about crap like spelling correctly or have good grammar. i gave up caring about anything that makes one strive for perfection or more. i have no decency and frankly, i don't give a damn. in fact, i've purposely left mispellings, grammatical errors and poor use of parethases to prove my impish point).
i needed to do less. in fact, i needed to do so much lesser that i wasn't even starting at ground zero. i was like a meteor that crashed into the earth and was now sitting 100 feet below the earth's surface, imploded and steaming, with bits of myself strewn everywhere and life spirit and energy seeping from me like the great BP spill.
i continued to keep seeping and declining long after i had stopped moving. i lost my health, my ability to think, reason, remember. i lost the ability to make a living, buy groceries, move my hands, sleep without night sweats or wake without migraines, stand up in the shower, get out of bed, call people back, feel peace, exist without deep pain, or just breath without sinking into even deeper exhaustion. i'm not kidding. every moment that i existed during that time i was in incredible pain to just be.
how lame is that??!
i had done so much, pushed so hard, that now i had lost my ability to recover. and that my friends is something that you do NOT want to lose!
imagine not being able to heal a wound, be able to sleep off a hangover or a brewing cold. imagine losing the taken for granted ability to wake up feeling rested and rejuvenated. no matter what, you never felt better. and on some days, you felt worse than you imagined possible. that's what all that hard work got me.... deep into hell.
getting painful to read? starting to feel monotonous? yea, i knew the feeling.
so getting back to why my life now rocks. well because i completely overhauled the life i was once living. i did extreme makeover: SOUL and SENSE OF SELF edition. after awhile of flailing like a fish out of water, i gave up. i let go of my identity as a triathlete, a successful professional. i stopped doing most everything. and then, i only started doing what i wanted. i entered into the era i now affectionately refer to as the "pleasure protocol" portion of my life.
if it felt good, i did it. if i wanted to eat it, i would. if i wanted to sleep more, be touched more, cared for, stare at more sunsets and starry nights, watch mind-blowing amounts of total trash television, drink, party, scream, f*ck, nap, ask, be needy, get backrubs, massages, eat delicious fatty and meaty foods with reckless abandon.... i did it.
like nike, i just did it.
and in truth, i'm still f*cking doing it mutha truckas. take that old sucky life with all your shoulds and rules and ought to's. suck it.
my life rules because i'm currently on sabbatical. i sleep in every day. if i stay up late, i don't worry because i'll make sure to sleep in and get in an afternoon nap. i don't rush. i don't schedule myself. if i'm late or things don't go right such as people driving normal, i don't care. it's their problem, not mine. i stare at humming birds and watch the sun move across the sky. i eat leisure breakfasts with my adoring family. they feed me. they house me. they entertain me, listen to me, hug me, make me laugh, tolerate my not so great me moments. LOVE me.
we sit in the morning sun, sip morning tea, indulge in even more rugged coastal cheddar (get it from costo... it's to DIE FOR) and live life like we got nothing to do because in truth... we really don't. ask me how cool it is to take a sabbatical with other people that are also taking sabbaticals? i'm resting and recovering. they're taking breaks from birthing so many babies (others, not her own) and to write books; all very good reasons to take a break from common, boring, mundane, suck the life out of you kind of life lives.
when the fog clears, i hit the water for some paddle boarding or i take a jog in the redwoods or lush meadows with killer ocean and mountain vistas. i get up and have no idea what i'll do that day because i have nothing that i have to do. i'm on vacation. i'm on a boat! (never thought i'd be on a boat).
so yes. my life currently rocks. i'm eating, breathing, and loving. and.... it's working.
i'm coming back to life.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Crusin for a Bruisin
i have a thing for costumes. i played "dress up" as a kid which was stocked full of vintage goodness. little did my parents know their golden embroidered grandma special dress was making deep impressions in my soul. the sunday best dress also came equip with white lace gloves with buttons and a fur hat.
and that was only ONE outfit. never mind the nights of arabia get-up i had going on. i was the costume queen of the block and more likely, of the entire county.
well it stuck.
so now everyday i like to express myself through fashionista ways and other days, i wanna go alllll out. i throw parties just so i can come up with another costume and fall in love with everyone else's costume too.
so you wanna know wbat i did the other day? i went online shopping at yandy.com. i was cruising for a bruising when i decided to "just see" how much all the costume i wanted actually cost. that store is like crack to a costume addict. although i have yet to make the purchase or any variation there of, here's a sampling of my madness.
and by the way, i already deleted about 5 other items. i didn't like the way $1000 looked on payment due section.
YANDY COSTUME BENDER, May 2010
and that was only ONE outfit. never mind the nights of arabia get-up i had going on. i was the costume queen of the block and more likely, of the entire county.
well it stuck.
so now everyday i like to express myself through fashionista ways and other days, i wanna go alllll out. i throw parties just so i can come up with another costume and fall in love with everyone else's costume too.
so you wanna know wbat i did the other day? i went online shopping at yandy.com. i was cruising for a bruising when i decided to "just see" how much all the costume i wanted actually cost. that store is like crack to a costume addict. although i have yet to make the purchase or any variation there of, here's a sampling of my madness.
and by the way, i already deleted about 5 other items. i didn't like the way $1000 looked on payment due section.
YANDY COSTUME BENDER, May 2010
 |
| $19.95 |
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| $5.95 |
|
| $13.95 |
|
| $9.95 |
|
| $14.95 |
|
| $64.95 |
|
| $39.95 |
|
| $39.95 |
|
| $69.95 |
|
| $59.95 |
|
| $49.95 |
|
| $33.95 |
|
| $44.95 |
|
| $68.95 |
Promotional code summer applied.
(Works on non-clearance items)
(Works on non-clearance items)
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Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Arising from the ashes
the name of this blog has changed. as has my life.
completely.
i once was an overachiever. i was a young doctor with lots of ladder-rungs to climb. i also was an aspiring athlete. while i had mild talent, i needed more training to race like the kind of athlete i wanted to be. i was an overachiever; i also wanted to be better than i ever was, at that very moment; "it" was never enough.
i then was a seriously overtrained athlete and a very ill woman that had to sit 2 weeks, silently and alone on a potential leukemia diagnosis. then it wasn't that but no one knew what was "wrong with me." and i got that question ALL THE TIME. "so did they find out what's wrong with you?" when you feel like shit and don't have answers or any leads, that question, although well-intentioned, is a constant reminder you're lost at sea and there are no hopes of rescue.
the next chapter would be described as passionately clinging onto what i once thought was important, MY PREVIOUS LIFE (no small thing to completely give up and change), resisting my illness, and then falling into acceptance with brief moments of mindful peace. resist, accept, accepppppt, RESIST! FIGHT! give up exhausted. accept. repeat.
until finally, i radically changed my life. and as it turned out, for the better. thank fucking god! life can be so hard and painful that we need, I NEEDED, a rainbow at the end of that, blow the shingles off your roof and in fact, rip up the foundation tornado.
i have since moved to one of the most spirit-stirring beautiful places in the US, fallen completely in love with one of the most amazing men i've ever met, and am blissfully surrounded by my loving, supportive and ridiculously fun family. i haven't worked for the past 4 months. and if you're jealous, blow the wheels off your life and then talk to me about "i wish I COULD take that kind of time off." this was and still is completely neccesary for my recovery. i'm also insanely grateful that i've created this opportunity and have the support to heal. when people ask me "what do you do?" i now tell them, "i do me."
yes, i'm completely investing in me. i'm getting healthier, wiser and more prepared. i won't always be on spiritual vacation but when i start working again, all the books and writing and reflecting i've been doing will absolutely pay off. every prophet spent their "time in the desert", soul searching and getting prepared to spread their message. and while i'm not at all delusional about being a prophet or spiritual leader, i have a message to share about healing and health. and i'm looking forward to the day when i'm ready to share that message and journey.
so yes folks, the blog is back and this phoenix is arising. only this time, i'm back with a brand new addition. i'm no longer a triathlete goddess but the girl, living from one golden, blissful moment to the next... and revealing in them when i find them.
completely.
i once was an overachiever. i was a young doctor with lots of ladder-rungs to climb. i also was an aspiring athlete. while i had mild talent, i needed more training to race like the kind of athlete i wanted to be. i was an overachiever; i also wanted to be better than i ever was, at that very moment; "it" was never enough.
i then was a seriously overtrained athlete and a very ill woman that had to sit 2 weeks, silently and alone on a potential leukemia diagnosis. then it wasn't that but no one knew what was "wrong with me." and i got that question ALL THE TIME. "so did they find out what's wrong with you?" when you feel like shit and don't have answers or any leads, that question, although well-intentioned, is a constant reminder you're lost at sea and there are no hopes of rescue.
the next chapter would be described as passionately clinging onto what i once thought was important, MY PREVIOUS LIFE (no small thing to completely give up and change), resisting my illness, and then falling into acceptance with brief moments of mindful peace. resist, accept, accepppppt, RESIST! FIGHT! give up exhausted. accept. repeat.
until finally, i radically changed my life. and as it turned out, for the better. thank fucking god! life can be so hard and painful that we need, I NEEDED, a rainbow at the end of that, blow the shingles off your roof and in fact, rip up the foundation tornado.
i have since moved to one of the most spirit-stirring beautiful places in the US, fallen completely in love with one of the most amazing men i've ever met, and am blissfully surrounded by my loving, supportive and ridiculously fun family. i haven't worked for the past 4 months. and if you're jealous, blow the wheels off your life and then talk to me about "i wish I COULD take that kind of time off." this was and still is completely neccesary for my recovery. i'm also insanely grateful that i've created this opportunity and have the support to heal. when people ask me "what do you do?" i now tell them, "i do me."
yes, i'm completely investing in me. i'm getting healthier, wiser and more prepared. i won't always be on spiritual vacation but when i start working again, all the books and writing and reflecting i've been doing will absolutely pay off. every prophet spent their "time in the desert", soul searching and getting prepared to spread their message. and while i'm not at all delusional about being a prophet or spiritual leader, i have a message to share about healing and health. and i'm looking forward to the day when i'm ready to share that message and journey.
so yes folks, the blog is back and this phoenix is arising. only this time, i'm back with a brand new addition. i'm no longer a triathlete goddess but the girl, living from one golden, blissful moment to the next... and revealing in them when i find them.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
yang burnout and the wisdom of surrender
The Wisdom of Surrender Most of us pride ourselves on our self-sufficiency. We like to be responsible for taking care of ourselves and pulling our own weight in the world. This is why it can be so challenging when we find ourselves in a situation in which we have to rely on someone else. This can happen as the result of an illness or an injury, or even in the case of a positive change. At times like these, it is essential that we let go of our feeling that we should be able to do it all by ourselves and accept the help of others. The first step is accepting the situation fully as it is. Too often we make things worse either by trying to do more than we should or by lapsing into feelings of uselessness. In both cases we run the risk of actually prolonging our dependency. In addition, we miss a valuable opportunity to practice acceptance and humility. The ego resists what is, so when we move into acceptance we move into the deeper realm of the soul. In needing others and allowing them to help us, we experience the full realization that we are not on our own in the world. While this may bring up feelings of vulnerability, a deep feeling of gratitude may also emerge as we open to the experience of being helped. This realization can enable us to be wiser in our service of others when we are called upon to help. It takes wisdom and strength to surrender to our own helplessness and to accept that we, just like every other human being, have limitations. The gifts of surrender are numerous. We discover humility, gratitude, and a deepening understanding of the human experience that enables us to be that much more compassionate and surrendered in the world. |
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
the life of a cat
after eight months of wrestling with health issues, i've gotten pretty adjusted to this new way of living. i'm making lemonade with the lemons and embracing my new status of....
the life of a cat!
*spend as much time as possible in bed
*if you do chores, take breaks (you need another episode of jersey shore in order to complete the task)
*sleep anywhere from 9-14 hours a night (yes, you read that correctly)
*search for new places and ways to lay, rest, yawn, stretch
*if you have the opportunity to sunbathe, immediately stop what you're doing and soak in that sun
*check for bed sores (which used to be saddle sores)
*admire the resiliency of your ass (truly amazing that it hasn't expanded or gone flat)
i recently lost my job as the program i was running closed down. boo! for income but yay! for rest. i'm subletting my anti-depressant (aka: my beach cottage)....
and heading north to the home of hugs and laughter (aka: my family's house in santa cruz).
while at da cruz, these are my goals:
Casa de Home
*play lots of cards
*drink lots of tea
*get hugs and massages like they're going out of style
*exchange electrons (aka: cute boy action. i'm just sayin...)
*learn how to mountain bike and do it often
*inhale eucalyptus
*introduce Goldie to the world and the ways of the road
Meet Goldie, my rehabbed road bike. Ain't she a beut?
here's to sunbathing, yawning, and stretching. thanks to Roxy for showing me how it's done...
the life of a cat!
*spend as much time as possible in bed
*if you do chores, take breaks (you need another episode of jersey shore in order to complete the task)
*sleep anywhere from 9-14 hours a night (yes, you read that correctly)
*search for new places and ways to lay, rest, yawn, stretch
*if you have the opportunity to sunbathe, immediately stop what you're doing and soak in that sun
*check for bed sores (which used to be saddle sores)
*admire the resiliency of your ass (truly amazing that it hasn't expanded or gone flat)
i recently lost my job as the program i was running closed down. boo! for income but yay! for rest. i'm subletting my anti-depressant (aka: my beach cottage)....
and heading north to the home of hugs and laughter (aka: my family's house in santa cruz).
while at da cruz, these are my goals:
Casa de Home
*play lots of cards
*drink lots of tea
*get hugs and massages like they're going out of style
*exchange electrons (aka: cute boy action. i'm just sayin...)
*learn how to mountain bike and do it often
*inhale eucalyptus
*introduce Goldie to the world and the ways of the road
Meet Goldie, my rehabbed road bike. Ain't she a beut?
here's to sunbathing, yawning, and stretching. thanks to Roxy for showing me how it's done...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Don't let your Dreams be your Dreams
"Jack Johnson- Dreams Be Dreams"
And all this livings so much harder than it seems
But girl don't let your dreams be dreams
But girl don't let your dreams be dreams
You know this livings not so hard as it seems
Don't let your dreams dreams
Your dreams your dreams be dreams
It was a cold, cold bitter day in January . One thing you'll never hear me say is SoCal sucks. Perfect day for a Bestie to visit.
We drank coffee in the sun overlooking the ocean. We were musing all things past, present, and future. One of the beauties to follow-up our conversation about amazing sex was... "I've decided no sex is better than bad sex... It's not like pizza." I snorted coffee through my nose.
We drank coffee in the sun overlooking the ocean. We were musing all things past, present, and future. One of the beauties to follow-up our conversation about amazing sex was... "I've decided no sex is better than bad sex... It's not like pizza." I snorted coffee through my nose.
(note: this does not apply to anyone in particular. promise. you're all good. your man-skills are intact.)
She was able to get me out of bed as it was a rough day fatigue wise. I'm pretty sure this mini-relapse was the come down off of the buzz from losing my job. Although I feel I should be freaking out, I'm not. I'm actually relieved and excited. And ready for a vacation. Starting today...
I'm of the mindset that I need a spiritual retreat. I've sublet my place and am free for 6 weeks. I'll be looking into my very own "Eat, Pray, Love" journey. I'm well on my way as I've already tackled the "Eat" part.
I'm open to where the door opens and I'll be in the place to learn that which I'm ready for. Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Harbon in Napa Valley and Mark Allen's thing in Santa Cruz will be on my search list. All I know is that my body, mind, and soul are craving rest, relaxation, meditation, massage, clean air and nature. It's time to heal. Goddess said so.
Kwan Yin- The Compassionate Rebel
She was a Christmas gift. I relate a lot to this goddess: born of the lotus, a healer, of deep compassion, the need for yin, balance, simplicity, mindfulness. Her arrival was perfect timing.
Kwan Yin is known by many names. She is the Divine Mother energy also known as a Bodhisattva (a being of enlightenment) and the Goddess of Mercy and Compassion. Kwan Yin teaches us to live simply and mindfully, taking good care of our bodies and our thoughts as well as our souls. In Sanskrit, her name is Padma-pâni, or "Born of the Lotus." Quan Yin is regarded by the Chinese as the goddess of mercy, an Indian bodhisattva who chose to remain on earth to bring relief to the suffering rather than enjoy for herself the ecstasies of Nirvana. One of the several stories surrounding Quan Yin is that she was a Buddhist who through great love and sacrifice during life, had earned the right to enter Nirvana after death. However, like Avlokiteshvara, while standing before the gates of Paradise she heard a cry of anguish from the earth below. Turning back to earth, she renounced her reward of bliss eternal but in its place found immortality in the hearts of the suffering. In China she has many names and is also known as "great mercy, great pity; salvation from misery, salvation from woe." This goddess comforts the troubled, the sick, the lost and the unfortunate.
After the Bestie visit and walk on the beach, I accomplished many a thing:
*got smog checked so I can register my car in california. yes finally.
*picked up my Ambien for the nights I'm dying for a decent sleep
*listened to a killer mix entitled "Delirium"
*saw members of "The Hogan" family
*listened to a killer mix entitled "Delirium"
*saw members of "The Hogan" family
*ate Pinkberry FroYo and got hit on by a couple o' cute boys
*purchased a crucial piece of my birthday party costume (CAN'T WAIT!!)
*got a one and a half hour massage. oh sweet lord.
*and bought the following essentials:
a) Dog Food for the Rox-a-nator
b) Hot Sauce. Because nothing tastes good without it.
c) Kinoko Gold AHCC mushroom extract. Like crack for my immune system.
In all, it was a great day. And the sunset put the cherry on my sundae.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Lost in Transition
I love this tri t-shirt saying. You know the people: wandering around, dazed from the swim, looking for something that resembles their bike. These people are "lost in transition."
While I have had quick-ish triathlon transitions, this life one is going a lot slower. Being an athlete has been a major part of my identity for the past 8 years. It has brought me friends, a community, a passion, something to geek out on (numbers, facts, info, gadgets). It also gave me strong muscles, achievements I never thought were possible, and a new sense of humor (nothing's off the table when it comes to triathlete conversations).
I was talking with my uncle over the holiday. "In my mind and heart, I'm still an athlete. My body's not quite there yet." He replied with a chuckle, "Yea me too.... I'm still an athlete in my head also."
He quit running years ago.
Then it hit me... I'm not the person I once was. Does 7 months of no physical activity mean I'm no longer an athlete? Do I need to start saying, "Yes... Once upon a time I did one of those iron-thingys."
At what point does the transition happen? When does a person go from athlete, to wanna-be jock, to jockless?
There are 5 stages of change one goes through before making a change, particularly a big one like giving up smoking, a relationship or one's former identity as an aspiring elite triathlete.
Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or underaware of their problems.
Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action.
Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.
Then it hit me. I've been in denial about making a life change with the reality of my health. I have been in "precontemplation" if you will. I thought by January, at the latest, I'd be ready to hit the ground running again. This is not the case. Only now am I starting to realize I need to seriously change my life so that I can get fully healthy again.
These are the changes that will be required of me to replenish da' adrenals and work through the chronic fatigue/overtraining syndrome.
Health Choices
Quit alcohol. (insert tears)
Quit coffee. (insert wailing sobs)
Go to bed by 10:30pm at the latest (cake. i'm used to it from IM training)
Limit exercise to walking. Anything will put me in the hole again. (eyes watering again)
Eat organic and drink purified water. (costly but whatevs)
Eliminate canned, processed foods. (Buh-Bye Campbells Soup. will miss your salty easy meal in a can).
Focus diet on veggies, fruits, proteins, complex carbs. No sugar. (do it anyway)
Triathlon Choices
Start wrapping my mind around either not racing/doing a really slow half iron at CA 70.3 and WF long
Start to embrace that I can't "race" IM CDA. Either DNS or embrace a long, slow, (fun?) day.
Accept that I may never reach my triathlon potential.
Accept that I may have to manage CFS for the rest of my life.
Keep reminding myself that if I let go now, the sooner I can return.
Remember: Just because I'm letting go now doesn't mean I'm letting go forever.
Continue to learn how and when to push and when to back off and rest. (no clue. just know: push).
Spiritual Choices
Start to identify and express myself in other ways (photography, meditation, date)
Be vigilant of my stress levels and immediately work to reduce tension. (deep breath)
Be more assertive and rid my life of any "energy suckers" (situations or people)
Embrace this period in my life in which I must rest and replenish, be gentle and easy, kind and free.
While this health crisis has been life-changing, shaking my identity and beliefs to the core, it hasn't been without purpose. There are no such things as "lost moments." So here's to learning the lessons, embracing the journey, and laughing along the way.
on the last day of my drive from east to west. in the car were 2 dogs, 2 bikes, 2 chairs for my dining table, a large mirror, my mattress topper, a huge duffle of clothes, a new mix, my trusty garmin, beef jerky, and an excited attitude. i embraced the change and will continue to do so while i'm lost in transition.
While I have had quick-ish triathlon transitions, this life one is going a lot slower. Being an athlete has been a major part of my identity for the past 8 years. It has brought me friends, a community, a passion, something to geek out on (numbers, facts, info, gadgets). It also gave me strong muscles, achievements I never thought were possible, and a new sense of humor (nothing's off the table when it comes to triathlete conversations).
I was talking with my uncle over the holiday. "In my mind and heart, I'm still an athlete. My body's not quite there yet." He replied with a chuckle, "Yea me too.... I'm still an athlete in my head also."
He quit running years ago.
Then it hit me... I'm not the person I once was. Does 7 months of no physical activity mean I'm no longer an athlete? Do I need to start saying, "Yes... Once upon a time I did one of those iron-thingys."
At what point does the transition happen? When does a person go from athlete, to wanna-be jock, to jockless?
There are 5 stages of change one goes through before making a change, particularly a big one like giving up smoking, a relationship or one's former identity as an aspiring elite triathlete.
Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or underaware of their problems.
Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action.
Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.
Then it hit me. I've been in denial about making a life change with the reality of my health. I have been in "precontemplation" if you will. I thought by January, at the latest, I'd be ready to hit the ground running again. This is not the case. Only now am I starting to realize I need to seriously change my life so that I can get fully healthy again.
These are the changes that will be required of me to replenish da' adrenals and work through the chronic fatigue/overtraining syndrome.
Health Choices
Quit alcohol. (insert tears)
Quit coffee. (insert wailing sobs)
Go to bed by 10:30pm at the latest (cake. i'm used to it from IM training)
Limit exercise to walking. Anything will put me in the hole again. (eyes watering again)
Eat organic and drink purified water. (costly but whatevs)
Eliminate canned, processed foods. (Buh-Bye Campbells Soup. will miss your salty easy meal in a can).
Focus diet on veggies, fruits, proteins, complex carbs. No sugar. (do it anyway)
Triathlon Choices
Start wrapping my mind around either not racing/doing a really slow half iron at CA 70.3 and WF long
Start to embrace that I can't "race" IM CDA. Either DNS or embrace a long, slow, (fun?) day.
Accept that I may never reach my triathlon potential.
Accept that I may have to manage CFS for the rest of my life.
Keep reminding myself that if I let go now, the sooner I can return.
Remember: Just because I'm letting go now doesn't mean I'm letting go forever.
Continue to learn how and when to push and when to back off and rest. (no clue. just know: push).
Spiritual Choices
Start to identify and express myself in other ways (photography, meditation, date)
Be vigilant of my stress levels and immediately work to reduce tension. (deep breath)
Be more assertive and rid my life of any "energy suckers" (situations or people)
Embrace this period in my life in which I must rest and replenish, be gentle and easy, kind and free.
While this health crisis has been life-changing, shaking my identity and beliefs to the core, it hasn't been without purpose. There are no such things as "lost moments." So here's to learning the lessons, embracing the journey, and laughing along the way.
on the last day of my drive from east to west. in the car were 2 dogs, 2 bikes, 2 chairs for my dining table, a large mirror, my mattress topper, a huge duffle of clothes, a new mix, my trusty garmin, beef jerky, and an excited attitude. i embraced the change and will continue to do so while i'm lost in transition.
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