Lost in Transition

I love this tri t-shirt saying. You know the people: wandering around, dazed from the swim, looking for something that resembles their bike. These people are "lost in transition."


While I have had quick-ish triathlon transitions, this life one is going a lot slower. Being an athlete has been a major part of my identity for the past 8 years. It has brought me friends, a community, a passion, something to geek out on (numbers, facts, info, gadgets). It also gave me strong muscles, achievements I never thought were possible, and a new sense of humor (nothing's off the table when it comes to triathlete conversations).


I was talking with my uncle over the holiday. "In my mind and heart, I'm still an athlete. My body's not quite there yet." He replied with a chuckle, "Yea me too.... I'm still an athlete in my head also."


He quit running years ago.


Then it hit me... I'm not the person I once was. Does 7 months of no physical activity mean I'm no longer an athlete? Do I need to start saying, "Yes... Once upon a time I did one of those iron-thingys."


At what point does the transition happen? When does a person go from athlete, to wanna-be jock, to jockless?


There are 5 stages of change one goes through before making a change, particularly a big one like giving up smoking, a relationship or one's former identity as an aspiring elite triathlete. 


Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or underaware of their problems. 
Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action. 
Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year. 
Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy. 
Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action. 


Then it hit me. I've been in denial about making a life change with the reality of my health. I have been in "precontemplation" if you will. I thought by January, at the latest, I'd be ready to hit the ground running again. This is not the case. Only now am I starting to realize I need to seriously change my life so that I can get fully healthy again. 


These are the changes that will be required of me to replenish da' adrenals and work through the chronic fatigue/overtraining syndrome.


Health Choices
Quit alcohol. (insert tears)
Quit coffee. (insert wailing sobs)
Go to bed by 10:30pm at the latest (cake. i'm used to it from IM training)
Limit exercise to walking. Anything will put me in the hole again. (eyes watering again)
Eat organic and drink purified water. (costly but whatevs)
Eliminate canned, processed foods. (Buh-Bye Campbells Soup. will miss your salty easy meal in a can).
Focus diet on veggies, fruits, proteins, complex carbs. No sugar. (do it anyway)


Triathlon Choices
Start wrapping my mind around either not racing/doing a really slow half iron at CA 70.3 and WF long
Start to embrace that I can't "race" IM CDA. Either DNS or embrace a long, slow, (fun?) day.
Accept that I may never reach my triathlon potential. 
Accept that I may have to manage CFS for the rest of my life.
Keep reminding myself that if I let go now, the sooner I can return. 
Remember: Just because I'm letting go now doesn't mean I'm letting go forever.
Continue to learn how and when to push and when to back off and rest. (no clue. just know: push).


Spiritual Choices
Start to identify and express myself in other ways (photography, meditation, date)
Be vigilant of my stress levels and immediately work to reduce tension. (deep breath)
Be more assertive and rid my life of any "energy suckers" (situations or people)
Embrace this period in my life in which I must rest and replenish, be gentle and easy, kind and free.


While this health crisis has been life-changing, shaking my identity and beliefs to the core, it hasn't been without purpose. There are no such things as "lost moments." So here's to learning the lessons, embracing the journey, and laughing along the way.

on the last day of my drive from east to west. in the car were 2 dogs, 2 bikes, 2 chairs for my dining table, a large mirror, my mattress topper, a huge duffle of clothes, a new mix, my trusty garmin, beef jerky, and an excited attitude. i embraced the change and will continue to do so while i'm lost in transition.

The 7 Dwarfs of Dating

okay... it ended up being 9 dwarfs. i got on a roll. oh, the adventures of dating. if you think i'm talking about you, i'm not. you probably think that song was about you too.

dating is fun.

sometimes.

da playa'

they're cute but oh so bad. stay far far away. why are the fun good-looking charming ones always so evil?

needy
at first it's sweet. then it's smothering. then it gets creepy, and fast. they seem so emotionally available and then you find out... they REALLY are! within the second date, you feel yourself getting sucked into a relationship, a marriage, and a lifetime together for ever and ever and ever.

(no relevance. just for shits and giggles.)

the holic-phobe

as in the workaholic, commitment-phobe. also see: good on paper.

good on paper
ahh. this one gets me. they come with papers but that's about it. they got the right degrees, the right schools, the right looks, the right job... but they just can't offer the total package. usually something significant is missing like the ability to think about someone other than themselves. bummer.

won't take no 
pushy pushy. they have an opinion and don't know when let it go. they think if they keep at it, you'll change your mind. they can't read subtle clues and keeping going despite kindly assertions. they think they're cute and charming, demonstrating how smart and cunning they are, but meanwhile they've completely turned you off and have no clue.

nerd alert
good intentions but stiff. almost lacking social skills. unfortunately, these guys have also been easy on the eyes. so cute but oh so boring. why can't they drop the formalities and laugh at a lowly common denominator joke? here's a tip boys: citing research during conversations = snooze fest.

flaky mcflakerson
also known as: dating in LA. everything is changing and constantly on the go. they live life in the fast lane and gotta move as quickly as their twitter updates. they have places to go and people to meet. nevermind i haven't return a phone call in ages. they keep sending texts inviting me to "mansion parties in hollywood hills."

mr. groper
okay so the dates have gone well but good lord this guy likes you. a lot. he moves fast and while he's not putting out the slutty vibe, he has loose boundaries as in, too much too soon. he finds little ways to put a hand on your knee or hug extra longer. seriously medusa. your snake hands need a benzodiazapine.

the sweet doormat
this guy is nice. he opens doors, he compliments you. he finds you funny and talented. he thinks you're amazing and treats you accordingly. but he's toooo sweet, like a gobstopper that keeps going and going. he's just happy to have you by his side. there's no sarcasm, no teasing, no play. there's no spark unless you bring the fire. you want to like him but the thought of kissing him induces visions of incest. not cool.

Beer with me

i hate typos. funny coming from a huge offender as of late. it's painful i know but bare with me. okay, kidding, beer with me. i'm not quite the smart cookie i was a year ago. in fact, a lot has changed. overtraining syndrome rocked my world and i don't mean in the good way.

so... "what's wrong with me?" i'll answer it once and for all. i get asked this quite frequently and then more times then not, get insulting responses. "i've over-done it before too. i had to take, like, 2 WHOLE weeks off!"

the blank stare they get back from me has little to do with comprehending and more so with how much i want to punch them in the babymaker.

yes, it's overtraining syndrome:

it started with chronic tiredness, unusually high resting heartrate, night sweats. i stopped getting period, got a sore throat for 3 months, and blisters that wouldn't heal. i would get light-headed when i'd go from sitting to standing and my performance got stale. my speed was decreasing despite my increasing training. i complained to my coach but thought it was just normal ironman training fatigue.

then, i couldn't get out of bed. i would lie in bed crying because my muscles ached and hurt so bad. i would wake up exhausted. the slightest of efforts would require tons of rest. any muscle output would immediately generate lactic acid. walking up a hill, i nearly blacked out and my heartrate shot over 200 beats a minute. scariest thing ever. my labs consistantly found no estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, DHEA, a vitamin D deficiency, an underfunctioning thyroid, and a dropping white blood count. my boy had stopped working.


7 months later, i've made some gains but still can't train. this past week i exercised twice and 2 days later, i needed 4 hours in bed after waking to gain enough strength to face the day. damn. fo shizzle it's stage 3 chronic overtraining syndrome. i used to think chronic fatigue was bullshit. not very sensitive for the therapist but true. this kind of deep fatigue can be equated to mono. 


so why did this happen? not sure. my training was very rigorous as was my personal life. at the time, i worked an extremely stressful new job, in a new city, with a newly broken heart. i threw myself into training and pushed more and more, thinking i was doing the right thing until the wheels blew off.


my treatment? living a fun, good life. after 7 months of full-on resting and hormone replacement therapy, it doesn't appear to be restarting my non-functioning immune and endocrine systems. the fuses are still blown out and there aren't any medical answers on how to restart or shock the systems into working again.


january 1st is coming on way too fast. i've learned not to expect miracles or quick success. this is the slowest, non-controllable process i've ever been involved in. i can't push harder. i'm starting to think that even 8 months won't be enough time and 2010 triathlon season will be a bust. the 2 half-ironmans i'm in and the ironman are a no-go. if i can even do them, they will be training races.


i've thought about selling my pimped out race bike and walking completely away but i'm unable to. i still miss training and racing with all my heart and hope to get back out there. so this christmas season, i'm asking santa for my health again. i'd appreciate any prayers, positive thoughts, offerings to the tri-gods, and/or healing energy you can spare.


i'll work on keeping the positive attitude and you bring the beer. here's to health!

Three P's and a B: Working on my Yin

i left work feeling good. i'm getting settled into the new job, adjusting expectations, being forced to grow, and coming back into my power. i left the girls knowing i had really pushed them hard and far in group. tears, hugs, depth, bonding, good... the program is coming together.

it's the end of my work week. sa-weet. 3 days a week is what i've been working for. i wanted to work out again but didn't want to push my luck. i've been stiff since yesterday's run. haven't worked out 2 days in a row for over 8 months.


it was either weights or yoga. strengthening, not cardio. but instead, the class they were offering was.... the scary P-word: pilates. i've seen those contraptions and quite frankly the idea of working out my core seemed like a bad, bad, painful idea. but i need to take it easy and build strength so pilates it is.


the instructor was a 60 year-old women with a really thick accent. she didn't seem too visually impressive but this woman could do things, chatting away meanwhile, i'm trembling, slipping, sliding, and cursing.


"smile ladies. you get j-lo booty."


nevermind looking like a movie star. i just want to survive. and guns like madonna if beggars can be choosers. so i imagined madonna in that buff as crap video and smile/strained away.

it was amazing how the slightest of movements required so much strength, control, and grace. all these years it has been push-push force. and tonight was the silent, gentle strength that crept up on you. it was beautiful.

i imagined this is what feminine energy is all about. slow movement with forethought, intention, and control. nothing was easy about it and yet it was refreshing.

years ago, an intuitive gave me a massage and while doing body work, would tell me what she was reading in my energy.

"you have no yin. you need to evolve your feminine energy." yep, that was pretty true but i had no idea how to go about that or what it would look like. i wasn't interested in holding babies and worshipping boobies to enhance my womanhood.

The Yang energy is masculine in nature and is described as light, dry, directed, focused, logical, and action oriented. Yin energy is feminine and described as dark, moist, diffuse, vague, intuitive, and receptive. In regard to psychological functioning, men are predominately yang but contain a yin aspect. Women, while predominately yin, contain an element of yang. Thus human beings are psychologicallyandrogynous with latent inner masculine and feminine energies awaiting development. In the first half of life a differentiation of the primary sexual identity and corresponding energy takes place but in later life a call to integrate the opposite energy, the anima or the animus, arises. This is a move towards wholeness.


At the most basic and simplistic level what happens is that men begin to develop their capacity for relationship and must come to terms with emotions, vulnerability, and needs while women begin to become more decision and action oriented and in the process claim their independence, courage, power and wisdom. At midlife women are called to decide and do while men are called to nurture.

turns out getting sick has slowed me down. forced me to have a light hand. i've been dude-energy all these years and as i age, i'm doing the swap-over... becoming more yin.

and so to celebrate the evolution of my dark, moist, diffuse, vague, intuitive, and reception energy....

i went to pinkberry.

this power legged and madonna-gunned goddess needed celebrate her femininity by chowing down a huge fro-yo heaven.

goddess said "eat pinkberry." and so i did. and it was good.

which brings me to my final P that is actually a B.... Pleasure in Bali.

I have a chance to go to Bali, a place i've always wanted to go. My friend is going and let me know about her upcoming journey:

I'm going to Bali. It's time to breath. I will go about skinning a snake and drinking its blood and genitals (good for circulation). Dancing in rice patties barefoot with a painted face. Showering nude on the side of the road like the locals – apparently – when you get naked in public they consider themselves invisible (amazing, right?) I am going to wake up to roosters at 4am and meditate until the sun rises.

I couldn't resist. So I'm campaigning for air miles from people who have 'em and don't need or use them. I'm ready for a break. Take my emerging feminine energy, mixed it with a lil naked dancing on rice patties and folks... I have arrived. 

Namaste.

4 MILES

When Love Takes Over (Ronnie Maze Club Mix)- Airi L

Feel the sunshine. No breeze. Huge waves. Good day to run. Not many people on bike path. LET'S GO! Shoes on. Garmin. Keeping it in heartrate. Nice and easy... zone recovery or 1? We'll see. Skipping down the stairs. Love takes over indeed. Happy to be out.

Hot Mess- Cobra Starship

Sunshine. Blue skies. I freaking love SoCal. Do I really live here? Remembering all those years I wanted to be here. No one keeping me from living where I need to be. I'm free. Shake it shake it. I love it. (BIG SMILEEEE). Adding a little dance to my run. Whoa, running to fast. Slow it down Beavis. You're going long today... 3 miles. Remember when that was a warm-up? Whatever. I'm out. I'm running.

Visions of dancing. I always dance better in my head.

I'm Gone, I'm Going- Lesley Roy

Appropriate song. Freedom song. I love being free. It's horrible to love but know you need to leave. To feel trapped. Nope. It will take someone special that's for sure.

The Safety Dance-Men Without Hats

Haha. Love that I downloaded this song. My mixes make me happy. We can dance. I have good friends. I pretty much don't need anyone in my life that isn't fun. Being a grown up rocks. Total control. Only fun people who are free to be themselves. 

Gives You Hell- The All-American Rejects

Aww yea. What a great song. You think this song is so sweet and then... nope. Smile.

Jetsetter- Morningwood

Trees on car roofs. Reminds me of Hawaii and how strange it is to celebrate Christmas in a tropical location. We spent the day at the beach. Glad I'm not there but I'm glad that I live here. It's December and I'm running in a sports bra. How's my run form? Relax those shoulders. Sweat dripping from my elbows. Oddly familiar.

I'm Alive (With Dave Matthews)- Kenny Chesney

It's so weird that I love country music. This boy can sing. Hot damn. Yep, I got massive chills. Starting this one over to absorb the lyrics. This is my song. No time for feeling sorry for yourself. Wow, he really describes my pain, my sadness. Loss, smoldering. But I'm alive. Thank god I'm alive. Deeep breath.

So damn easy to say that life's so hard
Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me, I'd like to thank my lucky stars that I'm alive and well...

It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me...I'm alive

And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive
And well...I'm alive and well

The stars are dancin' on the water here tonight
It's gonna fall a soul when there's not a soul in sight
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life now I'm alive and well

Fireflies- Owl City

Smell the sweetness. Holy Crap! Huge jetliner taking off. Right over my head. Traveling to fabulous places like Bali. I need to get away. Can I leave my job for a vacation? I haven't been on va-cay for years and years. How long have I been running? I can't stop. Don't want to over-do it but this is amazing. I'm breathing. I'm running. I'm alive. Keep going...

C'mon Y'all- Salme Dahlstrom

Running. You're my best friend. I've missed you. I feel like I could go forever. It's time to go home though. There will be other days. You're healing. Slowly but you're getting there. If you've learned anything it's to not push.

Nth Degree- Morningwood

Filming another movie in Playa. That's because where I live rocks. Hmm catering. Not too shabby. Good life to act. Show up, do your thing, catered meals. Nice life. I need some creativity back in my life. Ahh I'm home. Time to dance with the puppy. We dance. She barks. Snugs. Yummm food time. Salmon and tangerines sound just right...

May I be able to honor myself, be who I am in the world, and express that power without fear.

That's what I'm talking about

i have to confess. it's not all bad per my last blog's suggestion. in fact, my life is pretty darn good. there are moments when i get grumpy, particularly when i'm more sick than usual. but for the most part... my life rocks. that said, it's always curious how life will settle into one pace and then without notice, switch it up. i like to be sarcastic and ridiculous. it helps to cope with sickness, age, and needing some snugs. but to be fair, for as many bad things there are many more good. i will demonstrate with the acronym game.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!"

N: New people. Plenty of them. Seems like overnight. I like possibility and choices.

O: Overcome. 1st time in 7 years I've been on a mtn bike. 1st time in 6 months I've made hills my bitch.

W: Work is working for me. I like the hours, the pay, the challenges, the freedom, and the possibilities.

T: Toenails. My mani/pedi rocks. It also rocks I can now afford them regularly. Grooming's good.

H: Hardware. Spilled coffee and fried my Mac. But! My hardware made it out alive. Nothing's lost. Yay!

A: Active. I biked twice and swam in the 57 degree ocean without getting sick. PROGRESS!

T: Thanksgiving. Time with the family and a best friend....Priceless. Food, wine, cards, laughs galore.

S: Scalpel. The name of the mountain bike I rode. She was red. Beautiful. And responsive. I love her.

W: Wardrobe. Can afford new clothes and jewlrey. Makes for a happy, fashionable girl!

H: Hopeful with healthcare. Got a new doc that's proactive. 2 doc friends that also help. Precious hope.

A: Artist expression. Fashion expresses my inner ar-tist. I love feeling inspired and creativite again.

T: Therapy makes you think. I love the abstract, logical & inducive reasoning my job requires of my brain.

I: Inclusion. I love having lots of friends that involve me in all sorts of things. I'm truly blessed.

M: Mom. For getting me out on the mtn bike, coaching me through the hills and jumps.

T: Travel. It's so nice to get out of our spaces and be somewhere new. Santa Cruz always refreshes me.

A: Abode. My home is my anti-depressent. I listen to the ocean. My views rock. It's cozy and all mine!

L: Lights. Christmas lights everywhere are rocking my world. We need them year round.

K: Kinda feeling better lately. It's really exciting and scary all at once. Don't want to lose the feeling.

I: Inspiration. I love having smart, brilliant people in my life that push my cognitive walls.

N: Napa Valley. It's my latest, must visit there, destination. Maybe for my 35 a trip to Napa...

G: Gala aka the "Year End Party" being put on this weekend by LA Tri Club. I love my active, fun club.

A: Assertiveness. I love that each day, I get better and better at speaking my truth regardless of the outcome.

B: Bed. There's nothing like sleeping in your own bed and mine rocks! Memory foam, plush comforters.

O: Options. My job is not a dead end street. I can really build upon and expand to whatever I want.

U: Under water. Such bliss to be weighless and only hear the sound of your own breath into bubbles.

T: Thankfulness. Never underestimate the power of gratitude and positive thinking.

The Existential Crisis....at 34

Hey this is exciting! Instead of 11 readers, I'm rocking the 40's. Thanks for tuning in my fellow blogers :)

So the topic de jour is: Existential Crisis... at 34.



An existential crisis can occur when the answers to the questions about the meaning and purpose of life (as well as our place in it) no longer provide satisfaction, direction or peace of mind to an individual.

I'm turning 35. 30 years old... no problem. 31, 2, 3, or 4... I still got game. 35? Shit's hitting the fan.

I'm pretty sure it's time for me to feel my age and wonder what the rest of my life is going to look like. That's pretty normal to take stock. I'm also pretty sure getting sick this year, fearing a Leukemia diagnosis or never getting better have also ushered in thoughts of death, life, and meaning. But at 34? I still seem so young and yet suddenly, feel so old.

I'm still very attached to being a triathlete and resuming the sport as quickly as possible. The ability to move freely would restore some vitality. In fact, in pursuit of feeling better and my prior life as a triathlete, I signed up for Wildflower Long Course. Shhh! Don't tell the financially responsible side of me that I quite possibly flushed another race entry down the toilet.

Here's a little video on one of the best triathlons around. It's unbelieveably challenging, beautiful, unique, and fun. It's known as the "Woodstock of triathlons."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTIDwE7DgbA

I'd like to meet that someone special but Lance Armstrong is undateable and Beckham is taken. I've been told I have too high standards but I told them they were a hippie and to stop picking out Grizzly Adams looking campfire guys. I know it's hard to find an emotionally intelligent and supportive guy but they're recommendations don't take into account my deep appreciation for man-scaping (aka: grooming).

Okay, technically my hippie people wouldn't pick out a gun toting mullet guy but you get the point. Whoever this is... he's unique. I've only loved completely with all my heart, once, and the horribly funny thing is that I'm not talking about my ex-husband. See photo above.

I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not willing to settle. That makes it really hard to fulfill my second 35-year old wish which is to some day... have kids. (Somewhere in the distance, I hear friends who have known me, fainting.) And I'm not willing to Angelina Jolie it. Parenting is hard enough so single-parenting without the  bucks to hire a staff seems like volunteering an eyeball. Besides, isn't the fun part of becoming a parent making it?

So for enlightenment, I googled it.

How to Deal with an Existential Crisis

Some of the suggestions were down right awesome:

1) Turn on a light, preferably 75 watts or brighter.

umm, what does light have to do with the fact that I'm feeling old and disabled? Do you mean all this time I could have been healed with wattage?
2) Drink a cool glass of water.
see above.


3) Clean whatever room you're in. This will help you clarify your power over the world and give you a few minutes to do some basic problem-solving. Don't just straighten things up, but clean. Use a cleaning product.
thanks windex! that should get rid of the mersa and typhoid. whew. feel better already.


4) Try to voice what your problem is. Some people write full-length sentences to help determine what their issues are. Others start by writing a poem in order to get their thoughts and feelings flowing.
see previous blog. didn't work.

5) Imagine several different people you like or respect giving you advice. Don't pick anyone abusive. Try Mr. Rogers, your first grade teacher, or that person you had a crush on in 9th grade. They don't help very much, do they? But it's fun talking to them.
i don't even know what the crap this "tip" is suggesting. talk to mr. rogers about turning 35?

6) Imagine giving advice to someone else in your situation. Would you still think this was as big a problem?
yep. sucks to get older, be sick. and surrounded by losers asking for your number. and don't say, "at least you've got guys asking for your number." see photo above. hint = mullet

7) Talk to someone who loves you, like a friend or a parent.
i'm pretty sure they're sick of the blue-haired-special topics i've offered these past 6 months. "so this week, i've lost hearing and partial use of my right leg."

8) If you can't do anything about your problem right now, accept it.
no shit sherlock. how?

I'm off to find Bhudda and see what she thinks about this. After that, I'll be logging onto match.com. Do you think they have a search criteria for "no psychos" ?